I ordered another cap and gown.
This time my Mac will be graduating and the bittersweet feelings that come with the realization of another milestone being within reach has welled up in the corners of my eyes. I find myself wanting to look at her; to burn the images of these months into my memory bank for easy access in the coming days- where her excitement in a new adventure will take precedent over my heart burning with the sensation of “too soon.” The equal distribution of overwhelming pride with the desire to hold on for just a little bit longer. This time, I know what is coming. I know my heart will swell and sink in the same moment as I watch her take the final lap of childhood. We’ve been here before. Even knowing that the next adventure is greater than the one she currently pilots, it is difficult not to fill with emotion. I know the way my heart will re-act and the knowing doesn’t ease the feelings. In fact, I might anticipate it with greater anxiety this time—because I know.
The selfish parts of my momma heart would have all the children stay in the easy reach of home. But the better parts of me know she is ready. She has clothed herself with determination and preparation and standing in her way, would be foolish, if not cruel. As I look at her, I not only see her evolving into a beautiful woman, but into her own confident, determined self. So, I order her graduation garb and I wipe away the tears that are part of the payment before she has the chance to see.